Every now and then

It's been 4 long years since I've been fighting for something which is just to show my boys that I love them and that I always want them and to be with them regardless of what they may think because of what they are taught or told. 

Never ever in the entire 10 and 11 years have I had a disagreement where my boys have ever wanted to run away from me or hate me or not want to

Be with me. That is a feat in itself to just validate my being as a mother.  Things never got to the point where we couldn't talk it out with the exception of a few instances that had to be addressed later when we both had time to talk and not tantrum. It breaks my heart because on one end I know that I am a good mom and on the other end their father has made me feel guilt for a world he has created in their mind about me. It was a loud crying moment but it's over and I cry because my heart hurts just the same as it does everytime I miss them and can't make sense of it. 

Every now and then

It's been 4 long years since I've been fighting for something which is just to show my boys that I love them and that I always want them and to be with them regardless of what they may think because of what they are taught or told. 

Never ever in the entire 10 and 11 years have I had a disagreement where my boys have ever wanted to run away from me or hate me or not want to

Be with me. That is a feat in itself to just validate my being as a mother.  Things never got to the point where we couldn't talk it out with the exception of a few instances that had to be addressed later when we both had time to talk and not tantrum. It breaks my heart because on one end I know that I am a good mom and on the other end their father has made me feel guilt for a world he has created in their mind about me. It was a loud crying moment but it's over and I cry because my heart hurts just the same as it does everytime I miss them and can't make sense of it. 

Staying focused on moving forward

With as simple as it is to spend time on things that have happened in the past because they have already happened and there are already emotional attachments and significant reminders branded into your head, move on. 

Instead of sticking to what you know venture into the unknown. Don't get stuck in the familiar ways and want something more for you. Make decisions that make you question your capabilities and challenge yourself. 

Whether it is a career, a new place to eat or to live, a new relationship that fits you and encouraged your growth rather then stunt it is a step in the right direction. 

Learn a language, a new song, how to express yourself deeply and openly, be genuine to YOU. 

You only have one life last time we checked. Learn this life's purpose and learn what the universe is trying to teach your being. 

things you never forget and things never to take for granted

When my kids were born i did nothing but hold them and love them and smell them.  As crazy as it sounds it felt so good to have them near me and to hear them breathe and smell them.  hunter smelled like a new baby and he was always warm and charlie smelled like a baby bird. weird but the cutest thing ever because thats how I knew it was him. It was familiar and filled my heart with warmth. When you give birth to them its as though your body misses having them be a part of you.  then they come out and you cant believe that they are away.  Slowly you learn to let them become detached and eventually when they grow up they are supposed to become independent and become their own person.  In my situation its as thought hey have been robbed of time and love and support as they learn to grow.  To think that another parent could ever lie and betray their own children in believing that he is doing the right thing and then to have that psychoticness validated by a court system allowing him to keep them is absurd. How do you fix that or change that?

The lost years is what i am living in at the moment and these are times that can never be given back or made up for.  I love my two boys with all of my heart and i will always love them no matter what. I hope that they grow up to be emotionally strong and can be wise enough to look back and recognize what was happening to them.  It isn't fair and it isn't justified, it's actually child abuse.To take a parent's love from a child is probably one of the worst things that someone could ever do.  How do they learn to love and be loved.  How is it ok to think that they have been abandoned and that someone they have been with their entire life doesn't want them anymore just because that is how their father feels.  Why is it appropriate to have your children mirror your feelings and not know why they just don't want to be with me.  make them watch what they do because they feel they need to protect you and they tell their teachers this nonsense.

If you are the child it is your parents job to protect you.  I failed miserably as i was trying to protect them for so long that they had no clue that their father was such a selfish monster.  Now I can't even speak to them to have them learn to think for themselves.  They feel what he feels, they speak what he speaks and they spit the dame venom he spits.  That is nto who they are and I hope that is not what they become.  They are much better than he will ever be and I hope they learn tto take this negativity and deflect it with their own strength.   I want them to be superheroes.  They already are.