Every now and then

It's been 4 long years since I've been fighting for something which is just to show my boys that I love them and that I always want them and to be with them regardless of what they may think because of what they are taught or told. 

Never ever in the entire 10 and 11 years have I had a disagreement where my boys have ever wanted to run away from me or hate me or not want to

Be with me. That is a feat in itself to just validate my being as a mother.  Things never got to the point where we couldn't talk it out with the exception of a few instances that had to be addressed later when we both had time to talk and not tantrum. It breaks my heart because on one end I know that I am a good mom and on the other end their father has made me feel guilt for a world he has created in their mind about me. It was a loud crying moment but it's over and I cry because my heart hurts just the same as it does everytime I miss them and can't make sense of it. 

Every now and then

It's been 4 long years since I've been fighting for something which is just to show my boys that I love them and that I always want them and to be with them regardless of what they may think because of what they are taught or told. 

Never ever in the entire 10 and 11 years have I had a disagreement where my boys have ever wanted to run away from me or hate me or not want to

Be with me. That is a feat in itself to just validate my being as a mother.  Things never got to the point where we couldn't talk it out with the exception of a few instances that had to be addressed later when we both had time to talk and not tantrum. It breaks my heart because on one end I know that I am a good mom and on the other end their father has made me feel guilt for a world he has created in their mind about me. It was a loud crying moment but it's over and I cry because my heart hurts just the same as it does everytime I miss them and can't make sense of it. 

Staying focused on moving forward

With as simple as it is to spend time on things that have happened in the past because they have already happened and there are already emotional attachments and significant reminders branded into your head, move on. 

Instead of sticking to what you know venture into the unknown. Don't get stuck in the familiar ways and want something more for you. Make decisions that make you question your capabilities and challenge yourself. 

Whether it is a career, a new place to eat or to live, a new relationship that fits you and encouraged your growth rather then stunt it is a step in the right direction. 

Learn a language, a new song, how to express yourself deeply and openly, be genuine to YOU. 

You only have one life last time we checked. Learn this life's purpose and learn what the universe is trying to teach your being. 

things you never forget and things never to take for granted

When my kids were born i did nothing but hold them and love them and smell them.  As crazy as it sounds it felt so good to have them near me and to hear them breathe and smell them.  hunter smelled like a new baby and he was always warm and charlie smelled like a baby bird. weird but the cutest thing ever because thats how I knew it was him. It was familiar and filled my heart with warmth. When you give birth to them its as though your body misses having them be a part of you.  then they come out and you cant believe that they are away.  Slowly you learn to let them become detached and eventually when they grow up they are supposed to become independent and become their own person.  In my situation its as thought hey have been robbed of time and love and support as they learn to grow.  To think that another parent could ever lie and betray their own children in believing that he is doing the right thing and then to have that psychoticness validated by a court system allowing him to keep them is absurd. How do you fix that or change that?

The lost years is what i am living in at the moment and these are times that can never be given back or made up for.  I love my two boys with all of my heart and i will always love them no matter what. I hope that they grow up to be emotionally strong and can be wise enough to look back and recognize what was happening to them.  It isn't fair and it isn't justified, it's actually child abuse.To take a parent's love from a child is probably one of the worst things that someone could ever do.  How do they learn to love and be loved.  How is it ok to think that they have been abandoned and that someone they have been with their entire life doesn't want them anymore just because that is how their father feels.  Why is it appropriate to have your children mirror your feelings and not know why they just don't want to be with me.  make them watch what they do because they feel they need to protect you and they tell their teachers this nonsense.

If you are the child it is your parents job to protect you.  I failed miserably as i was trying to protect them for so long that they had no clue that their father was such a selfish monster.  Now I can't even speak to them to have them learn to think for themselves.  They feel what he feels, they speak what he speaks and they spit the dame venom he spits.  That is nto who they are and I hope that is not what they become.  They are much better than he will ever be and I hope they learn tto take this negativity and deflect it with their own strength.   I want them to be superheroes.  They already are.

Rearrange your life

So 32 months after I have moved and gone through a legal custody battle with my ex husband the decision is that the stay with their father.
Regardless that he is brainwashing them and they cant make a statement or explain why they feel the way they do to save their life.
Their bedrooms that I have set up for the, over a year ago will now be rearranged. I pay for a 3000 sq ft home so they would have a nice place to live in but too little too late I guess.
As I start to rearrange the bedrooms, the memories of how excited I was to set them up start to fill my mind.  It's ridiculous how a person can want to please their children so much to make sure they're comfortable and happy and they can be as selfish as they are.
I am putting both of their beds in one room and claiming a room as my office.  I need to work in order to pay the 2k a month in child support so the office takes precedence.  I will be comfortable and enjoy what I have built for myself and my family that is now no longer. It took a lot to obtain a house as an single parent and now all I can do is function as if I were childless, so that is what I shall do.

For beginners....

So today I have finally decided to start a blog, not to actually have anyone read, comment or by any means "listen" to but just to clear my head and collect my thoughts.

Introduction...

I am a divorced mother of two fabulously brainwashed sons.  I relocated to find work and my ex-husband f- me in the drive thru.  So now here I am posting my frustrations and disappointments online.  Why? Well because you care right? duh. It's more so to get off of my chest without verbally disarming myself. As though the names may change the story is true.
I have been divorced for about 7 years now and 19 months ago I relocated to get a better job so support my kids and I.  I have been supporting them all that time and even on unemployment without asking their father for a dime- as I can support my kids and didn't need his money to do it.  He has then since found himself a girlfriend that is an assholerny and has also hired 2 more assholernys (if you're an attorney, i apologize, but these 3 are real idiots).  He has isolated me from my children and has brainwashed my two preteens to believe that I left them and don't love them. If there are any parents out there who do this-knock it off- you are hurting your children.  Unless of course your old other half is a drug addict or abuser they are still part of your children and they should be able to make their own decisions about the other parent.
So from being with them everyday I have nothing.  I call them everynight to this day and majority of the time I get no answer.  They went from mom I want to live with you to i don't want to spend any time with you because I'm changing? wtf is that! So I instead write them letters every other day and fly over 2K miles to go to their games for them to ignore me after the game and then I fly for 6 hours back.  This is what I do.
Moms and Dads- Don't ever give up on your children.  As heartbreaking as any of this may ever be for you they didn't ask to be here and unfortunately the 5 year old(mentally of course ew) you pro-created with can't see past themselves.
Love you forever-Mom<3